a week ago I met up with my ex boyfriend (the one I was dating for about a year) after we hadn’t talked in about a month or so. We broke up in May but shortly after that I started a casual fling with someone else, (see a few posts below for that info) he didn’t like that very much, said a much of hateful things about that guy (who he doesnt know and who is actually a really amazing guy) and myself and any sort of communication we had, no matter how hard I tried to make it end peacefully…it just wasn’t happening. He kept on telling me he needed time to heal, seemed kinda silly given the situation (without giving away much detail) but it was what it was.
Anyway two weeks ago I kept on having dreams about him, vivid dreams about his life and him being with me and just dreams. I mean it’s odd to me that someone I spent so much time with and was so close to just wasn’t in my life anymore. I hated that. That has never happened to me before.
Anyway, this thinking about him and the fact that I’m not talking to him bothered me so much that I decided to just take a dive. I emailed him, it was a nice friendly hopefully not too much pressure/tension of an email. I asked him if he wanted to get some lunch/dinner along with random small talk. About an hour later he text messaged me and long story short we decided to meet for dinner. It was weird. Really weird. Flashbacks of me and the guy I was “sorta/kinda/not really” seeing kept happening, I realized how much me and this guy I was seeing fit so much better than me and my ex ever did. It was a pleasant conversation, he didn’t bring up me dating anyone else ever, which was unusual given our conversations we had after we had just broken up. Anyway, there at the pizza place he told me, “So I’m leaving Chicago on Wednesday.” I literally felt my blood rushing, my face must have turned white as a ghost but I tried to play it off as much as I possibly could. Wednesday was in 3 days and knowing him I know he means he’s moving and leaving for good. The part of me that still loved him was not ready to hear that. Anyway, we discussed it a bit and as I thought he was going to be far away and eventually he’d be out of the country, again just as I thought.
We kept on talking, talking about my classes and my life and his life etc. The thought just plagued me the rest of the night that this may be the last time I ever see him again, this is also something that has never happened to me. Dinner was over and we sat for a while talking. He asked me “So in the email you said you were thinking about me, why was that?” I thought “WHY WAS THAT? MAYBE BECAUSE WE WERE AT ONE POINT IN LOVE FOR A FUCKING YEAR?” But instead I just told him that he was obviously an important person to me and not talking to him was weird. We talked about that for a bit.
Anyway, we decided it was time to go. We walked outside, he rode his bike there, I saw it locked up so we walked towards it. This is the “goodbye ill never see you again awkward moment” hug time. Instead though, he says he’ll walk his bike with me to the train station, which is about 2-3 blocks away. Half way there he says, “I can just walk you to Belmont if you want then you can just walk the rest of the way home.” The rest of the way home is about 5 blocks, it would be A LOT easier to take the train. But I think about it and the thought of this being our last moments makes me agree to walking farther instead of taking the train. It’s at this point I’ve decided in my mind that I want him to come home with me. I just want to spend another night with him, I don’t know why. He walks me to Belmont and I ask him to “just come back with me.” He’s not dumb, he knows what that means. He gives me a half smile/half “this is a bad idea” face and says, “Well I’ll walk you to your apartment but I’m not coming in,” and I say, “Okay.” I figure if I get him that far he’ll have to come in. We get to my apartment and we hug. The hug is a little too long and a little too emotional. I can feel the tears but I’m fighting them back, I don’t want him to feel like he’s hurting me. He’s trying not to look at me anyway, I figure it’s because he knows I’m trying not to cry. I ask him to come in and he says, “No.” this goes back and forth for about 5 minutes. He says he really doesn’t want to. At this point I’m determined. I want to hug him and be close to him one last time. He says, “I have to have this ‘goodbye’ moment with everyone and it’s not easy.” I say, “Yes but this is different.” He eventually says yes.
As soon as we’re inside, sitting next to each other on my couch, he starts it all, he brings me closer to him. Blah blah blah blah. Later we’re in my room, he’s laying on my bed and I’m sitting on it. I’m not too sure if I want him to leave or to spend the night. It’d be worse if he spent the night then I’d get to be with him for longer. I don’t know what we’re talking about but he wants me to cuddle with him more and he says, “Come here, bug.” He called me bug. HE CALLS ME FUCKING BUG and I almost break down. You see, ‘bug’ was his cute little relationship name for me. He hasn’t called me bug in months, even the last couple weeks we were together and he just calls me bug like it’s nothing, like it just rolls off the fucking tongue. I acted like it didn’t bother me and we wrapped up the night. He got dressed and we hugged for way too long. We never said we loved each other although I felt like I should have probably said it and I walked him to the door. We hugged again and he said some “last words” that are honestly all a blur to me now. I closed the door and lost it. I could not stop crying. I called a friend or two but they were busy. I almost called that guy I was kinda/not really seeing but I knew he wouldn’t answer anyway and plus what the fuck was I suppose to say. I went in my room blasted, “Home” by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros which has really been making me happy lately and then I watched the latest episode of Louie. And that was that. That was it.
I should side note and say that he text messaged me the day he was leaving, thanked me for the nice night we had and told me he would be back in Chicago for a few days next month. I don’t really know what that means.
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